Manhood

Cryptid Kitchen explores many aspects of flourishing. Content is grouped into topic areas. Knowledge nuggets about manhood are in Tiny Burning Town.

Like every area, it starts with a sign, introducing the topic. As you walk through the area, you find knowledge nuggets. As you read each one, the fires go out, and the town comes to life.

At the end is a concluder, summarizing the topic.

Here are the knowledge nuggets at the time of writing. They’ve might have changed, though. Look in the game for the latest stuff.

Have thoughts? Please comment below.

Sign

What is a man? How should men act?

Some people will tell you to be a dominating, sexually aggressive alpha. How can you do that in real life, and not end up in jail or dead? It just doesn’t work.

This tiny town is about manhood today. We’ll look at old ideas, and new ones.

Why we need to talk about it

Er, we’re going to talk about what it means to be a man?

Yep.

I don’t want to. People say, “Be a man,” it sounds like “You’re too weak.” It always feels bad.

You have a point.

What does it mean to be a man, anyway? Could be anything!

True.

Oh, and why would they tell you to be a man? So you think you’re lower on the social ladder than they are? So you’ll do what they say?

That could be a reason.

What if other people are around when they tell you be a man? They’re not talking to you at all. They’re letting the other people know they’re one of the Good People.

Oh, yeah. We talked about that in another tiny town

It’s, like, you’re collateral damage!

Although, maybe they just absorbed their man beliefs from people around them. We all get beliefs from other people. They’re just doing what people do, without thinking about it.

(Sigh) Yeah, it could be. Hard to tell people-doing-people-things from those who want to use you for their own benefit.

Yeah.

What do you say when someone tells you to be a man?

… Nothing. I don’t know what to do.

How about we try to come up with a good answer to the question, “What’s a man?” A realistic answer you can accept.

I dunno. This feels bad.

Yeah, it does. But if you have a clear answer for yourself, you won’t be as vulnerable to the be-a-man-ers. Maybe your answer will help other people, too.

… OK, but take it easy.

Let start with something be-a-man-ers often don’t do: be realistic.

Being real

Some people say you ought to be a Bronze Age man today. Owning women, dominating other men. That sounds good to a primitive part of you. It’s OK to acknowledge that. Your body is the way it is.

Movies make that image cool, too. Like John McClane in Die Hard.

The trick is to be aware of that, and not act on those emotions. I learned that in tiny cave town.

Right! Don’t feel bad about emotions programmed by genetics or culture. They’re almost inevitable, but they don’t have to be the boss of you.

Hey, what if you tried actually doing the own-women-dominate-men thing? Like for real.

Wow, that’s a good question. Maybe capture sex slaves? Beat up other men? Steal their wives?

You’d end up in jail, or dead. Nobody can live like John McClane. Not in the real world.

Then why would someone on YouTube tell you to strive for it?

Maybe they’re just trying to sell you something, like tickets to a be-a-man gig. Or t-shirts. Get your vote, get views.

Could be. An important thing to remember:

Grifters won’t care if you mess up your life following their advice.
As long as they get a coupla bucks.

Their how-to-live advice is useless, if you can’t actually live that way. Without being killed, going to jail, or just ending up wasting years being unhappy.

Who has power over you?

I saw something crazy the other day. An ad for a “tactical hoodie.” Wow. “Buy this hoodie and be a real man” was the message. Who would fall for that?

Social pressure is sneaky. And powerful.

Imagine someone sneers at you, and says, “You’re not a man.” How would you feel?

Bad.

Why?

Er… Why? … I’m not sure…

Let’s think it through. Remember we talked about human evolution, and social approval?

Oh, yeah. People survived by cooperating. In cave man days, when we evolved, if you got a bad reputation, you could be tossed out of the tribe. That was a death sentence.

What if other men thought they could walk all over you, in cave men days?

I guess they’d take what would help them. Your food. Not let you near women. You couldn’t pass on your genes. Life was different back then.

Right. It’s built-in to men (and women) to want respect. Someone disrespects us, there’s an automatic emotional response. Fear, anger, shame… One thing it does is shut down communication. It’s a real problem in health care, and the workplace.

Let me think a moment… OK, a coupla things. “Be a man” is a way to manipulate people. It works because disrespect leads to strong emotions. “Be a man and buy a tactical hoodie”… Wow. That could work.

Yes, it could. It’s logically silly, but the message isn’t about logic.

Here’s my other thought. In Labyrinth, Jareth, the Goblin King, has it all over Sarah. At the end, he says to her, “I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave.”

Sarah says, “You have no power over me.” Jareth’s magic falls apart.

Yeah, good movie.

Here’s the thing. Back in the day, the person disrespecting you was right there in the tribe. We lived in small groups. You’d see them the next day, and the next. Now’s not like that. You’ll never see the dude in the hoodie ad. He has no power, except what you give him.

Huh. But emotions are automatic. Nothing you can do about it, right?

That’s wrong! If you realize what’s going on fast enough, you can stop the effects, or at least reduce them. You could think, “How stupid does he think I am?” Call him on it. Tell him, even just in your head, he has no power over you. You won’t give it to him.

Wow. Mothman comes through again. You should feel good about your insight.

Yeah, I do. It’s… freeing. One thing, though. If manhood’s not beating up or having sex with everything, what is it? Saying what it’s not isn’t as good as having an answer.

Good point. Let’s check out some descriptions of manhood, past and present.

Cowboy codes

When I was researching manhood, I found references to cowboy codes. They’re kinda cool, and not what you might think.

Some codes are about life back then, like “Don’t wave at a man on a horse. You might spook the horse. A nod is the proper greeting.” We’ll forget about those.

Some codes are real, some are fictional, trying to capture cowboyness. Here are bits from Wild Bill Hickock Deputy Marshal’s Code of Conduct, The Lone Ranger Creed, the Code of the West, the Texas Rangers Deputy Ranger Oath, and Gene Autry’s Cowboy Code.

You can read more cowboy codes. Another good source is the Western Horseman.

Help others

Don’t take advantage of those weaker than you. Defend others, especially women and children. Help people in trouble.

OK, what does “defend others” mean? Ride around with a mask and a six-shooter? “Defend others” is just empty words.

Ooo, that’s a good point. Maybe you could give an example of what it means in your world?

Like, speak up when someone is trying to bully a man into getting drunk?

That’s a good one! It takes courage to defend someone from social pressure.

Say you did speak up, and they said “You’re not a man.” What would you say?

I’d say real men respect other people’s choices, even when they don’t look cool.

Great answer! Hey, back on the island, didn’t Black Dog defend Cactus Cat?

Yeah, he did!

The next thing from the cowboy codes is something you just said.

Be respectful…

… and gentle, especially to women, parents, the elderly, and animals. Use good manners. Treat others fairly. Respect the land.

Some codes said cowboys reject racial and religious intolerance, but not all. Some codes, like the Texas Rangers, include being obedient.

Two other things I liked:

Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Being obedient, you shouldn’t always do that. Like, if there’s a law harming people, being obedient wouldn’t fit the help others thing.

Yeah, I see what you mean. Maybe there are exceptions to all of these, especially when the rules conflict. The words are empty, without examples.

They’re not rules, though. Maybe… advice. Doesn’t sound right…

Ooo! Idea! Mothman’s Manhood Maxims!

Oh, come on!

Can we try it, see how it fits?

… OK, for now.

Woohoo!

Oh, something else. Disagreeing with someone is not disrespectful, just by itself. Like, someone says, “This is a Christian country.” You say, “No it’s not.” That’s not disrespecting their religion.

Always tell the truth

Another common one, but it fails the always-do-it test.

Yeah, it’s not realistic. If telling the truth would conflict with other maxims, then maybe not.

What’s an example?

OK, like, some people in your family, like uncles and aunts, think being depressed is just weakness. Your brother is depressed, confided in you, and you’re helping him see a therapist.

Don’t tell your uncles and aunts about it. If they push you, lying is OK. You’re defending your brother.

Makes sense. Tiny desert town is about depression, bee tee dubs.

Keep your word

Common across cowboy codes. You can’t always do it, though.

A friend of mine promised me she’d do something, but couldn’t. She told me, and explained what was going on. I was OK with that.

Be careful what you promise. Don’t make promises when you’re highly emotional, if you can avoid it.

Isn’t there a tiny town about decisions?

Yes, there is.

Work hard

Take pride in your work. Finish what you start. Study hard. Learn all you can.

Some other bits I liked:

Every path has a few puddles.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

The finish what you start thing. If something isn’t working out the way you thought it would, stop. Or think about stopping.

Makes sense. When you start a project you haven’t done before, you learn about the task as you go. Maybe you learn your decision to start was the wrong one.

American culture says, “work is good.” Again, though, it depends. There is only so much time in the day. A student working for minimum wage in a store is not studying. The work of studying, especially learning skills that are in demand, will be worth more in the long run.

Cleanliness

A common one in the cowboy codes.

Loyalty

“Ride for your brand,” that is, be loyal to your team. Brand meant what was branded into cattle, not, like, Nike.

Loyalties conflict, though.

Whadaya mean?

Say you find out the company you work for is doing illegal things, like dumping industrial waste into a river. You gotta choose what you’ll be loyal to.

I’ve always had trouble thinking loyalty is always a virtue. Sometimes it’s not.

Yeah. Another thing, too. Some people think criticizing your country is disloyal. That doesn’t make sense to me.

There’s a saying, “My country, right or wrong.”

I’ve heard people say that.

One version has more to it:

My country, right or wrong. When right, to be kept right. When wrong, to be made right.

Ooo, I like it. You’re loyal to a better version of your country.

Right. Blind loyalty is not a virtue.

Courage

Some things aren’t for sale, know where to draw the line, fight when necessary, do what has to be done.

There are different kinds of courage.

Agreed. Someone with great physical courage might be afraid of not being accepted by his friends. He might go along with something he thinks unethical, so his friends will still like him.

Don’t boast

Cowboys are modest. From one code: “Your good deeds always come to light.”

No, they won’t.

You’re right. A bit of bragging is OK.

Worship

Worshiping God is common in the cowboy codes, though it’s not in all. Tiny cathedral town is about religion.

That’s the cowboy codes. What about something more recent?

What men of today think

Christine Emba wrote an interesting article about manhood in America (paywall). She also asked readers to say what they thought manhood is (paywall). Here are ideas from the responses.

Help others

Protect those weaker than you. Men can be more aggressive than women. Channel that to help the world.

Just like the cowboy codes.

Respect

Kindness first. Understands others’ struggles. Be tolerant and understanding. “Fidelity to law and custom.”

That last one’s about obedience?

Yes, with the same exceptions we talked about.

This one’s like the cowboy codes, too.

Honesty

Usually, but not always.

Cowboying again.

Keep your word

Not always. If you can’t, own up to it, and explain why.

Man, another cowboy thing.

Work hard

But not the exclusion of all else.

Is that different from the cowboys?

A little. Today’s men might give work a lower priority than other things.

Family and community

Know the value of community. Be a mentor. Help mentees find purpose. Protect loved ones.

Know that fathers matter. Support your spouse and children in their efforts.

Find friends.

The cowboy codes had some of this, but not as much focus on community.

All these come up in other tiny towns.

Be clean and fit

The fit one wasn’t in the cowboy codes so much.

Yeah, but the science tells us how important exercise is. That comes up a lot in other tiny towns.

Courage

Stand up for your principles. Take responsibility for failures.

Yeah, but stand up for your principles within limits. If you or others are going to get hurt, think about it, or find ways that are less risky.

A line that should be in a movie: “I fight with a man’s weapons. Attorneys.”

Ha! I like it.

Emotional awareness

Be reserved, but express emotions. Even King David wrote poetry.

Have fun. One guy wrote Christ “enjoyed a good party and on one occasion even provided the wine.”

Be optimistic, but realistic. Being competitive is OK, but not win-at-all-costs.

Were these in the cowboy codes?

Not so much, apart from reserved.

There’s more to say here. I think you should accept how powerful emotions are. That’s just reality. Watch emotions in yourself and others. Learn to manage your emotions, with self-talk, distraction, and leaving situations. Think as well as feel before you act.

A sense of purpose

This was not in the cowboy codes.

Tiny cathedral town is about that.

Comparing the codes

OK, the cowboy codes and the modern one are almost the same.

Right. I didn’t expect that, but it’s so.

I got an idea. We kept seeing bits of the codes in other places in this game.

A lot of overlap.

This game is about flourishing, right?

Um, yep.

Here’s my bumper sticker for manhood:

Men help everyone flourish

Oh… wow… That’s good. I’m impressed. You rock, MM!

Aw, shucks, I’m jest a cowboy, riding the Big Trail of Life. Ptooie.

Ha! Oh, I noticed something. “Everyone” includes yourself.

Darn tootin’, pardner!

Your code

You can write your own code in the notes area (each nugget has a notes area). As a reminder, here’s Mothman’s Manhood Maxims:

Help others
Be respectful
Be honest, unless it would hurt you or others
Keep your word, if you can
Work hard, but be balanced
Value family and community
Be clean and fit
Have courage, but don’t be reckless
Have emotional awareness
Have a sense of purpose

Keep the maxims you want. Throw away the rest. Add what’s missing. Give a short example of what each maxim means in your world.

Keep it private. Share it. Up to you.

You don’t have to call it Mothman’s Manhood Maxims. That wasn’t my idea.

Concluder

What’s a man? Some people tell you men are domineering, sexually aggressive alphas. That won’t work in the real world. Remember:

Grifters won’t care if you mess up your life following their advice.

We condensed a buncha cowboy codes. They were almost the same as what a group of men said today. Like, very close. Mothman said:

Men help everyone flourish

Mothman’s Manhood Maxims are:

Help others
Be respectful
Be honest, unless it would hurt you or others
Keep your word, if you can
Work hard, but be balanced
Value family and community
Be clean and fit
Have courage, but don’t be reckless
Have emotional awareness
Have a sense of purpose

Hey, look, you don’t have to call them that.

Manhood

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